17.02.2011

Fifteenth days after my 31st b-day. Life can go in a very unexpected speed sometimes.

I decided to start writting again, because I guess this is my way of keeping some ideas clear.

I want to change, but I don't.

This affirmation is really something silly, but my emotions inside are just saying this to myself.

In the last 4 months I have been living in Germany, having a great time and at the same time lying to myself about what my heart feels.

When came to Germany I never though i could fall inlove with someone so different to me.

I met this boy, with a lot of things that are nothing to do with my own values and education.

He comes from a muslim country, with muslim structures and values.

At first i thought we could be able to build something, I thought that if there is love everything can be overcome...everything.

I started to read websites about mixed religious couples, dating and marriage and how they could cope with faith and love....Some stories scared me a lot and some gave me hope.

Meanwhile we become closer and closer with this boy. Then i found out he had a girlfriend, A woman that he truly love at home with whom he is planning to get marry and even if he has his doubts he knows he will marry her because she "fits into the profile of woman he wants as a wife"...of course I could never be her....and i realized that even if i loved him with all my heart, I could not give up my faith because it is part of who I am.

I decided that if i truly love him I should help him to achieve his dreams, and be also a better him.

He decided to block his emotions for me by making me a "boy", making me asexual and also pushing himself yo be with other women.

I tried to explain how important is to be faithfull to your love one even if she is far away. I thought he could learn from me that even if I loved him I did not need to sleep with him or have anything to keep loving him.

I though that by thinking in other guys this will go away. I met this amazing boy, intelligent, sweet and tender, who also made me feel safe and cared and with whom I opened my heart and my past as I did not do here in Germany ever before....but I felt safe because he seems to be inlove with someone else....so there was not risk of any type....until he said to me "he likes me"...

I freaked out...and since that time, I only wanted to push him away....i wanted him to dislike me and i really succeded...meanwhile i drove myself closer to my muslim boy.

Maybe i think having this imposible boy in my life make me "SAFE" because this does not challenge my dreams and my projects....even if it does not help me to achieve them...but this other boy does, because he was more real...

Now I just blew everything up....I just pushed all of them away, I have even invited to spend time with me a guy I know he likes me ( even if I don't like him) to dinner to distract myself from my own feelings...I even went out with other guys that i just met, to keep my mind bussy with that....

I guess this is the reason why I am not with anyone....because i have developed the perfect system to keep them away....taking away from my relationship with this boys i like the "sexual tension" and the romantic additives. I am so good at that!!!! I guess the problem is that sometimes I don't want to do it, but it is so inside of me, that I keep playing this game...

I guess that only a very clever Guy will be able to go trough such a huge "wall" build up of deceptions, fears, and illusions broken.

Lets just leave my heart in peace for sometime.... ;)