When the sun comes out after the storm...

I have been always a very faithful person. 
I believe in God, there is no doubt about it. 
Well, at least that is what I thought....

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want ( Psalm 23)

Last year around this time in my life there were a lot of changes. I got a job contract, I´ve got a new city where to live, I´ve got a farewell party and I thought everything was going to be fine in my life. Stability, and securities where around the corner.
But then everything in my life started to fall appart. I was juggle-ling with every piece of my life and all of them were falling onto my head.


My work was interesting but i was not trained to do it and I was placeD in an area that was going trough a crisis, so the clients where not willing to invest. Even if I tried my best, even working for more than 12 hours per day sometimes, it was not enough.
I also was dating a guy, the first time in many years that I was in love again. But he decided to break my heart like I never expected him to do...He was one of the people I trusted the most here. I was always honest to him, but I never thought he was going to play with my feelings like he did.
By January, after 2 months together, I knew he was just not going to build anything with me.
I had to break up, but I had also to realize that this was not the only thing going wrong in my life.
My studies were not going well and my boss gave me a warning about being fired.
No citizenship to be able to stay, no job in the future, no income to pay my house costs, no boyfriend to rely on, far from my family and even my friends in Germany and finally failing my first test in 2 years of studies.

This was not very good sign from God.
I got pretty upset, but I did not wanted to give up my promise of always trusting him about any human thing happening...but the truth was quiet worse...I was starting to despair...and losing faith is losing hope...
I cannot say that I succeeded alone. In my worse moments he send me some angels dressed as humans, like Karine, Andreito, Andreita, David, Anca, Pauline, Darya, Rofi, Alvaro, Mama, Eileen, Petra, Seta, Stefano, Anja, Christian, Nicole, Anna, Joseph, Shorsch, Florcita, Valen, Zuzana, Reykia, Malvika, Sophie, Jelena and people from the churches Karine took me with...

I truly think I got countless people around to proof me wrong, in the worse times, when I was doubting about God presence in my life, he help me to believe in people around me, he showed to me that people is the one letting you be stronger in your faith, without people, we would have no faith in God.


I learned a lot this last 6 months, where I have really fallen into pieces because I was the worse version of myself and I even got hopeless lost in a maze of sadness....but people found me and brought me always to smile moments, praying moments, when I did not even wanted to hear about God or when he was really disappointing me by his ways of driving my life, at the same time someone was his voice in my ear saying: Dont give up....don´t distrust me...trust because I bring you this hands at this time...trust because you had never a moment where I did not give you this hands to hold you...trust me.


I don't know what the road brings ahead, but I know that could be harder or could be better. But people will never be out of my roads, because they are the living expression of God´s hands in my life.


I promise again that I will never stop believing in you, not because you are independent from humanity, because your humanity is the strongest resemblance of yourself. Even in the darkness of my own humanity, there where other humans being your voices and angels by my side, not to let me fall.


I learned a new lesson today, but this is just one little rock  on an endless road to heaven....and in this road God only expect us to try to smile even if the storm seems to be endless... He will give us an umbrella to go trough it.




Matthew 6: 26
"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?"

TIME TO DISCOVER LOVE

Tonight I discover to love someone....
Yes, don't think that this is a new story. Not at all. But for me loving is something really easy to do.... I love humanity, I love human kind in all ways and of course when it comes to men, I can easily think that I love someone just because I feel attracted to him or maybe because he showed me care.
But tonight, I believe I discover I love someone in a very different way. Because I truly don't want to even say it. It makes me afraid to even try to get close to him...
I know it by the way I hugged him and I felt like I wanted to run away....but at the same time I did not want to let him go....
Weird feeling....I think this will end up with a broken heart....probably mine as always...

17.02.2011

Fifteenth days after my 31st b-day. Life can go in a very unexpected speed sometimes.

I decided to start writting again, because I guess this is my way of keeping some ideas clear.

I want to change, but I don't.

This affirmation is really something silly, but my emotions inside are just saying this to myself.

In the last 4 months I have been living in Germany, having a great time and at the same time lying to myself about what my heart feels.

When came to Germany I never though i could fall inlove with someone so different to me.

I met this boy, with a lot of things that are nothing to do with my own values and education.

He comes from a muslim country, with muslim structures and values.

At first i thought we could be able to build something, I thought that if there is love everything can be overcome...everything.

I started to read websites about mixed religious couples, dating and marriage and how they could cope with faith and love....Some stories scared me a lot and some gave me hope.

Meanwhile we become closer and closer with this boy. Then i found out he had a girlfriend, A woman that he truly love at home with whom he is planning to get marry and even if he has his doubts he knows he will marry her because she "fits into the profile of woman he wants as a wife"...of course I could never be her....and i realized that even if i loved him with all my heart, I could not give up my faith because it is part of who I am.

I decided that if i truly love him I should help him to achieve his dreams, and be also a better him.

He decided to block his emotions for me by making me a "boy", making me asexual and also pushing himself yo be with other women.

I tried to explain how important is to be faithfull to your love one even if she is far away. I thought he could learn from me that even if I loved him I did not need to sleep with him or have anything to keep loving him.

I though that by thinking in other guys this will go away. I met this amazing boy, intelligent, sweet and tender, who also made me feel safe and cared and with whom I opened my heart and my past as I did not do here in Germany ever before....but I felt safe because he seems to be inlove with someone else....so there was not risk of any type....until he said to me "he likes me"...

I freaked out...and since that time, I only wanted to push him away....i wanted him to dislike me and i really succeded...meanwhile i drove myself closer to my muslim boy.

Maybe i think having this imposible boy in my life make me "SAFE" because this does not challenge my dreams and my projects....even if it does not help me to achieve them...but this other boy does, because he was more real...

Now I just blew everything up....I just pushed all of them away, I have even invited to spend time with me a guy I know he likes me ( even if I don't like him) to dinner to distract myself from my own feelings...I even went out with other guys that i just met, to keep my mind bussy with that....

I guess this is the reason why I am not with anyone....because i have developed the perfect system to keep them away....taking away from my relationship with this boys i like the "sexual tension" and the romantic additives. I am so good at that!!!! I guess the problem is that sometimes I don't want to do it, but it is so inside of me, that I keep playing this game...

I guess that only a very clever Guy will be able to go trough such a huge "wall" build up of deceptions, fears, and illusions broken.

Lets just leave my heart in peace for sometime.... ;)